LIFE’S TWIST AND TURNS

Thursday, May 30, 2024: This is my first post. Life as a mom to a special needs child is hard to say the least especially when you are thrown into the deep end. You see, Jaclyn was given the wrong medication in the hospital and went into cardiac arrest at home when she was 20 months of age. She lived to be fourteen, but for 12 years, it was a challenge. I was going through a divorce. I had to see my daughter fight for her life and be on a ventilator for three days as she was put in medically induced coma. My six-year-old son had no idea what was going on. He was home when he saw his sister go into cardiac arrest. A neighbor took him across the street to her house. He watched the fire fighters come to the house. He saw the ambulance drive away with his mom and sister. He was so young. I still see his brown beautiful eyes so huge with fear.

It’s not easy navigating through life with one healthy child and one with special needs all the while going through a divorce. I didn’t have much of a support system. I didn’t know of programs or support groups to help me and my children. I basically did it alone and did the best I could.

My son would go to his dads for visitation, but Jaclyn did not. He would come to my house to see her (or my dad’s house as we stayed there for a year and a half). My son suffered the most, I would say as he essentially lost his mom and the sister he knew and played with. I did the best I could with him. I think anyway. I know as parents; we all have our doubts and regrets. Jaclyn didn’t have much of an immune system after her cardiac arrest so she couldn’t be out in the public. I was also her arms, her legs and her voice. I had to re-learn my daughter all over again. Her different cries, her different facial expressions, her different whimpers, etc.

While we would go to a few of my son’s sports programs over the years, they couldn’t be many. It didn’t take much for Jaclyn to go to the hospital. We did go see him play football in the summer. We did watch him play hockey. We did go to a wrestling tournament. I just couldn’t be the mom to him that I aways envisioned being, and it was due to a stupid medicine mistake made at the hospital from the hospital pharmacist. They called it HUMAN ERROR. Now, if that was me doing it to my daughter, I would have been punished for a crime. Utter nonsense if you ask me. The pharmacist got to keep his job. 😒

Friday, May 31, 2024: Growing up, I was never around someone in a wheelchair or who was special needs in anyway. So, I didn’t realize what they went through in public. I definitely got to see how parents reacted with their children as I got near them with my daughter, Jaclyn. Some mothers would pull their child away quickly like they would “get” what Jaclyn had. It was disgraceful and made this mom very angry. Of course, I would say something like “it’s not contagious”. Sometimes, I would say something that is unfit to print. Those parents should be ashamed of themselves. It makes me wonder what those poor children will grow up to be like if those parents are that bad.

There were times we would be at the doctor’s office and a child would ask me questions about Jaclyn. For instance: “Why is she in a wheelchair?” “What is wrong with her?” “Can she walk?” The parents would be embarrassed, and say they are sorry. I would tell them, “Don’t be. I love talking about my daughter. I will answer any question they have.” So, I would sit there talking with the child and parent answering their questions until one of our names were called. I found that the children were the ones that were curious and friendly and had the questions while the parents were the scared, frightened, mean ones. The story that stands out the most to me is one time, Jaclyn and I were checking out at Kohl’s, a little girl, about four years old, looked over at Jaclyn & told her mom, “Look at how tiny her feet are.” Keep in mind that Jaclyn was older than the little girl. Jaclyn was about 11 years old I think at this time. It was the cutest think I ever heard. The little girl didn’t see the wheelchair. She just saw Jaclyn’s feet. Why can’t all of us see life through the eyes of a child?????

Tuesday, June 4, 2024: The bond my son and daughter had was utterly amazing. I was nervous to tell him I was pregnant actually, but my son was ecstatic to find out he was going to be a big brother. He definitely DIDN’T disappoint either. He was protective of her from day one. He shared his pillow and blanket with her when we brought her home. EVERY SINGLE PICTURE OF HIM HOLDING HER, HE HAS HUMONGOUS SMILE ON HIS FACE! Then, if you see how she is looking at him…. well, that just says it all.

If he would walk past her and was in a hurry, her head would follow him and I would say, “Excuse me, Bubba?” and he’d go, “Oh, excuse me, Sissy. I’m sorry.” He’d backtrack his step and give her kisses. She’d laugh and kick. It’d be the cutest thing in the whole world!!!! She would laugh at anything and everything he would say too. It didn’t matter if it didn’t make any sense. Lol. He could say the sky was purple, Jaclyn would think it was funny. Jaclyn always sat beside me. So, I would look at her and say, “You know he isn’t funny, right?” She would look at me and just laugh. I mean a belly laugh that makes your eyes water and her legs are kicking fast too. Nothing was more beautiful or precious to me. Absolutely nothing.

Monday, July 1, 2024: Sorry it has been a while. I have been trying to find a stay-at-home job. They are hard to find. I have 10+ years legal experience and a paralegal/legal assistant degree. Plus, 12 years technically in the medical field helping my special needs daughter. After her passing, I had several years of volunteer/advocacy work and was an administrative assistant for the local police department. You would think I could find a simple at-home typing job or something. But nope!!!! It is unreal. They want a bachelor’s degree, or I can’t find legitimate work, or they want someone who is bilingual. Some are out of state no less. It is always something. There are people who don’t want to work and show up late or not at all. Yet, there are some of us who really want to work and are unable to find work. So frustrating. Anyway, that is why I haven’t been on here. I have literally been on thousands of ads and even big company sites. I have looked at the city, county, state and federal sites as well. Not giving up. Just frustrated.

I wanted to share a recipe that my son loves. It is Coca Cola Pot Roast. It is the ONLY way I will make pot roast now. I actually found it on Facebook years ago. I just love it.

-Put in the crockpot any type of roast you like, Add Lipton dry Onion Soup Mix over the top of the meat.

-In a separate bowl, mix in Campbell’s mushroom soup and a can of cocoa cola. Pour the mixture over the meat and dry onion soup.

-Add potatoes, carrots and whatever else you would like.

-Cook on low about 6-7 hours. It will depend on the size of roast you have. You DO NOT need to add water!!! The cocoa cola is enough along with the fluid from the meat releases during the cooking process.

IT IS DELICIOUS!!! ENJOY!!!!!!

Tuesday, July 2, 2024: Today, I wanted to share something else a little personal about me. My parents divorced when I was seven. (Kind of similar for my son. Only he was six.) Anyway, today, my stepdad would be 98 years old. Crazy to think about. He was the Sheriff of Bent County in Las Animas, CO for a long time. He was a great man and treated us kids like his own. So, HAPPY 98TH HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, DARRELL!!

Something I definitely wanted to talk about is self-care. I am paying the price now for not taking better care of myself while caring for Jaclyn those 12 years. As she got heavier and older, I continued to lift her in and out of her bed, her wheelchair, her Rifton chair for diaper changes, nap times, bedtimes, doctor visits, bath/shower times, etc. It really takes a toll on your body. I know I didn’t lift appropriately, with the knees like you are supposed to. I would just pick her up. Yes. At one point, I did get a lift for her, but it scared Jaclyn. It made her startle BADLY. I tried a few times and each and every time, Jaclyn would throw both arms out in fear and the look on her face (in her eyes) was the look of panic, made me feel like it just wasn’t worth it. And now, I have developed arthritis so bad in several places in my body (spine-several places, knees-both replaced, both hands, all joints stiffen) that sometimes I just can’t function. The doctors have told me that I am just too young to have so much arthritis. However, when I tell them what I did for those 12 years, they go “that explains it”. Taking care of a special needs child, especially one that you are their arms and legs, takes a toll on your body. SO, PLEASE GET THE LIFT AND USE IT!!!!!! I can’t express that enough!!!

July 4, 2024: Happy July 4th everyone!!! The holidays are the hardest without Jaclyn. I do think of this day though as her celebration of independence. Her day to celebrate being free of her wheelchair, free of pain and the freedom to dance, sing, play, walk, talk and do everything all the regular children take for granted. Jaclyn was never able to have a childhood like the other children. She had to watch from her wheelchair, the other children play at the playground or walk in the malls, or just walk around in general. She gained that freedom when she was given her Angel wings. That is how I get through the day. I know my daughter’s life became glorious after her death, whereas mine did not. I continue to love and miss my beautiful daughter each and every day, but she has her freedom and her health in beautiful, glorious Heaven. I know she is better off. I hold onto that.

July 23, 2024: I know it has been a while since I have posted, but I am still trying to find an at-home job and trying to sell clothes on Poshmark that I don’t wear. Neither are working out very well. Some people have all the luck in the world and some of us have the worst luck. I always seem to have a black cloud over my head. Oh, and my dog that turned 7 months old on the 12th has decided to start being even more destructive. She can be worse, but she has separation anxiety from me. It is so frustrating. I just can’t catch a break no matter what I do. I also want to get the blog more exposure and that hasn’t worked. So, to say I am frustrated, well, that is an understatement!!!!! Then, add that I still miss Jaclyn daily and can’t see her as often because of the dog, who also doesn’t like to go in my car for a ride…. UGH!!!!!!! 😒